Mar 31st, 2013

A Successful Date with Matthew Unsworth

I don’t very often go on what one would consider to be traditional dates. The idea that I should meet a girl for an assessment before we decide to have sex with each other seems horribly inefficient, and more than a little insulting, to me, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Desperate is exactly what we are.

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Jan 27th, 2012

Online Poker Mastery

I have recently decided to become a master of online poker, so I thought I might begin by teaching the rest of the Internet everything I have learned so far.

I am not without credentials. I have over $3,000 in play chips on my Poker Stars account, for example.

Granted, I had to reload my play money to the minimum of $1,000 a few times before I randomly won over $3,000 by going all-in with seven-deuce, but if nothing else I am probably better at poker than I was when I did that.

Anyway, the basic trick to poker is to have a lot more money than everybody else, so that when your hand sucks you can go all-in with seven-deuce and frighten everyone into folding, leaving you with over $3,000 in play chips.

If your hand is not quite as strong as seven-deuce, try simply telling the table what cards you have. They will appreciate your honesty and call you a faggot ass, which is a poker term for a very strong player.

Sep 30th, 2011

Talking to Girls: Faulty Penis Edition

[13:50] fancydink: I saw this thread where everyone was uploading pictures of their dicks next to game controllers. Most of them used Xbox 360 controllers. I noted that my penis was almost exactly the same length as the xbox controller, while most of the dicks in the thread were a bit longer.

[13:52] fancydink: Which upsets me because I have a completely average sized penis, just not compared to the average of this particular group. Which got me to thinking, it is probably because only people who have dicks longer than xbox 360 controllers will opt to upload a picture of their dick next to an xbox 360 controller.

[13:52] fancydink: I felt bad, because I knew, also, that there would be people with smaller dicks than mine, people whose dicks are perhaps only half the length of an xbox 360 controller, and they would be looking at these 7-8 inch dicks or cheaters and thinking low of themselves.

[13:53] fancydink: But I couldn’t take a picture of my dick next to my xbox 360 controller because it’s a little awkward to hold in place like that while you take a picture, and I have a kind of erectile dysfunction where I cannot maintain an erection without it being constantly stimulated. When it comes to taking photos and things I just can’t fucking do it, I lose it right away

[13:54] fancydink: And I feel bad about it, I guess

[13:54] BigGulp32 is offline

Sep 29th, 2011

Party Animal

Everyone crowds around like carrion flies to a kill. Their mouths flapping and noshing like pigs at a trough, smashing their teeth and their tongues together, telling stories of past feedings behind hands which obstruct nothing.

I can’t hold myself comfortably upright with these creatures, so I hang back a while and let myself be known, that they can talk among each other after I’m gone and assure the naysayers that I did, in fact, make my appearance. Good on me.

When I’ve lingered long enough for my corpulence and filth to make the most perceptive of them uncomfortable enough to have the image burned into their pre-frontal cortices, I stash myself away in the garage. It’s better this way for everyone, and especially me.

I gaze off into the corner and imagine all of them nude. I have no interest in any of these people sexually, but it helps to pass the time and is a great exercise for remembering names.

Jun 8th, 2011

Paul is Dead: A Bacon of Hope

Did you know that Paul Quarrington died of lung cancer over a year ago? Of course you didn’t, because you have no fucking idea who Paul Quarrington was, but even if you did know who Paul Quarrington was you certainly would not have known that he died of lung cancer over a year ago because if you did you would have told me. Well, imagine the audacity, he went and did it anyway. (more…)

Jun 4th, 2011

How to Eat Breakfast Awesome

My new breakfast routine, now that I sometimes wake up in the mornings, is to eat a snack bar and wait for Kim to whisk me away to IHOP.

This is actually marginally better for my figure than my previous breakfast ritual of waking up and eating dinner. It is also, I think, to my credit that I choose IHOP over Denny’s. At least, I think IHOP is supposed to be better for you, or more accurately, IHOP is somewhat less likely to kill you (they will both kill you).

Even just by the names of the dishes available, it seems pretty clear. IHOP’s headliner is called the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity breakfast. Even just the Rooty Tooty part makes me feel safer, because it seems like a very old person came up with it (it is always worth considering that old people have lived to be old people). I think Fresh may be a bit of an exaggeration, and Fruity may actually be spelled Frooty, for several demerits. Either way it does seem to imply that it is less than completely murderous to consume this meal.

By contrast, at Denny’s you get things like the Lumberjack Slam. They also considered naming it, “Whammo, you fat, neckbeard motherfucker!” Like everything at Denny’s it comes with a complimentary side of fingernails and hepatitis. Moons Over My Hammy comes across as quite a lot more innocent, but nobody will ever say those words aloud to order it anyway.

My only real alternative (aside from cooking, which, just no) is a local franchise called De Dutch Pannekoek house, which actually has some decent food. Not good, but decent. It’s hard to roll my increasingly bulbous ass through their doors though under the slogan of “Simply De Best” because I want to punch it in the face.

May 22nd, 2011

Why would I be at the Cloverdale Rodeo?

Here are some of the many great reasons to go to the rodeo:

1. Perhaps you really love cows.
2. Perhaps you really hate cows.

As I am fairly indifferent towards cows, I rarely partake. I guess I thought it would be a great place to watch the rapture, because cows and Jesus go hand in hand as personal interests, but when that didn’t pan out I had to find something else to do.

My first instinct was to find me some drunk country bitches and invite them to the Longhorn Saloon for drinks and daterape, but taking a quick inventory of nearby prospects just made me feel old and creepy. I would have been okay with that too, but there were real adults nearby and we can’t have people figuring out how old and creepy I am.

So, as should be expected, I spent most of my time along the midway eating wiggle chips. I tried to avoid games which would require that I talk to the carnies a lot, after a bad experience with the breath of the guy at the darts booth. I made like I was hard of hearing and defensively turned my ear to him, but I was only able to mitigate so much of the damage.

An updated list of reasons to visit the rodeo:

1. Wiggle Chips

May 18th, 2011

Status Report

Sammy: Christoph, whatever has happened to your internets?

Christoph: Apparently I broke Gordon.

Sammy: 1. Who or what the fuck is Gordon?

Christoph: It was (RIP) the name of the server my sites were hosted on.

Sammy: Aww, poor thing.

Christoph: The new server’s name is “s5-dallas”
Christoph: It’s way less cool.

Sammy: I’m going to pretend it’s the name of your new robotic dog.

May 16th, 2011

The Best Deskcision of My Life

I have decided to convert to a standing desk, for several reasons. First, because I am so much better than you at everything — including standing. Second, because I intend to live forever and there is a chance that this will help me reach Aubrey de Grey’s human longevity escape velocity.

Consider that Winston Churchill used a standing desk, and he was a big fat asshole who lived to be 90 goddamn years old. Donald Rumsfeld apparently still uses one, and for some reason he’s not dead yet. Ernest Hemingway only made it to 61, but I can go back to ignoring Hemingway now that I have my awesome standing desk to impress hipster chicks.

I even have science on my side, for once, according to this:

A new study from American Cancer Society researchers finds it’s not just how much physical activity you get, but how much time you spend sitting that can affect your risk of death. Researchers say time spent sitting was independently associated with total mortality, regardless of physical activity level. They conclude that public health messages should promote both being physically active and reducing time spent sitting.

In the unlikely even that you lived long enough to read that, I think I’ve made my point. I really can’t see a single downside to switching to a standing desk.

Now if you don’t mind, my feet are fucking killing me.

May 11th, 2011

Regarding the End of the World

I am only slightly concerned about the Rapture.

There are a lot of things in life one may worry themselves over, and though the Rapture is rather a largish concept compared to something like running low on yogurt, I am probably more concerned with the latter. (more…)