I refuse to shave my pubes clean off. I gave it a shot once when a friend of mine said it would make my junk look bigger, but in the resulting experiment I learned that I’m willing to lose a couple inches to avoid the effort involved in maintaining a pedophile-friendly aesthetic.
I can use the same basic philosophy to justify my beard, by replacing the word “pedophile” with “human”. I’m basically not interested in doing anything that requires any doing.
My face and my balls share a trimmer now. Once a week I give my face a quick buzz with the 1″ attachment, and do the same for my crotch on a less regimented schedule — when my girlfriend complains or when it becomes difficult to masturbate, whichever comes first.
Actually, we can throw my scalp into the mix too, because I haven’t had a haircut in years. I just buzz it down to an inch approximately annually, when it gets long enough to support its own ecosystem. That one little trimmer is my swiss army knife of beauty products.
I don’t even own a comb, come to think of it.
But I digress. This is a post about pubic hair, not my awesome hobo-chic style. When it comes to my crotch I can justify trimming over shaving with logic that goes beyond being lazy.
First of all, being that I’m a generally hairy guy, if I shaved my pubic region completely it would look something like a bald spot. That doesn’t appeal to anybody.
If effort is a hypothetical non-issue, one could argue that I should have my entire body waxed to make my bare crotch work, but my body hair is the only proof remaining that I am in fact a man.
There are also health concerns. I’m not a registered nurse, but I figure there must be a reason that pubic hair exists, and as I’m snippy-snipped I have only one line of defense against the AIDS and Lady Gaga.
Speaking of Lady Gaga and her affinity for smooth chests and presumed distaste for hairy crotches, I’ve found that she has more than just that in common with many women, namely that they repulse me equally. In my years as an Internet scientist I have noted that most women who say they prefer beards and body hair are smoking hot intellectu-hos, while most who would answer by scrunching up their noses and demanding men wax their bodies are the sort of girls I’d punch in the face if I didn’t think they would get their daddy to sue me to death.
I’m already in a committed relationship however, so maybe it’s not right to base my decision on the sort of girl I would like to attract. In the end only Kim’s opinion on my penis should probably matter.
I’ll get her to write the conclusion to this entry, as a way of copping out on wrapping things up myself, or having a point.
Kim says: In conclusion, I will stop trimming my pubes so we match.
Joey MichaelsJuly 8, 2010
Shaved pubes is one of the things I hate about the 21st century. Why do men and women have to look like children?
All right, to be fair, I understand that some people like to create landing strips, or patterns, or just trim things down a bit, and that’s cool. Shaved bare, though, that squigs me out.
Solution: Shave bare, get a tattoo on pubic area. Something that indicates “I am an adult,” not frickin Woody Woodpecker, unless he’s peeing on your abdomen.