Ark Music Factory

After hearing my tribute to Nate Dogg yesterday a lot of people have been asking me if I have seriously considered a career as a pop star. Obviously I have, but I don’t know where to get started. It’s an intimidating industry to break into, with all of these younger and arguably almost as talented rising stars.

Take Rebecca Black and her hit song Friday for example. I mean yeah, I can hit all of those notes, but no matter how talented and charismatic you are there is a certain degree of luck, and cunning, that goes into creating a song that can reach a broad range of thirteen-year-old girls who have never heard music before. Writing is hard enough without having to make sure everything rhymes.

But wait, what is that you say? Rebecca Black didn’t write Friday herself? I for one am shocked and appalled, and also interested. Maybe I can have the same creative mastergeniuses pen a song for me.

Look no further than Ark Music Factory.

It takes some gusto to admit right in the name of your “record label” that you are a factory, implying the mass production of music from a mold filled with polyethylene, puberty, and for some reason the constant token feature of a forty-year-old black guy, but Ark is in this respect shameless. Ark is also shameless in every other respect, except for the respect that they might expect to be respected.

From what I can gather by glancing around briefly and making a bunch of sweeping assumptions, Ark Music Factory is a company founded by a couple of guys who don’t like music very much but who have been able to overcome what others may term a shortcoming and convert it directly into solid bricks of shit and gold. Basically, rich kids’ parents give Ark a bunch of money to make their children an album about whatever the fuck they did that day (chores, school, exploiting the dreams and innocence of children to have their parents print money for you) complete with a music video in which they must creepily smile for five solid minutes without breaking eye contact with the camera.

From the look of things in their launch video above, Ark Music Factory has a fantastic future ahead of it, as a source of entertainment for its own artists as they yawn or fix their hair while waiting for their turn to ROCK THE HOUSE!

11 Comments

  • Richard

    March 17, 2011

    Watching this caused me to burp-vomit. I couldn’t make it all the way through.
    Meanwhile Dink. You make that shit work. You can make it. Make sure you rap about your troubled past n’ shit. 13 year old girls gobble that up more than– I’m gonna stop right there. There are some things that are just too much for me to say.

    Reply
  • Joey Michaels

    March 17, 2011

    Let’s make this a multiple choice problem.

    13 year old girls gobble that up more than–

    A) Justin Bieber videos
    B) Pizza
    C) Moist, delicious cake
    D) Other (Please Explain)

    Reply
  • Richard

    March 17, 2011

    *looks at other people’s papers to try and find the correct answer*

    Reply
  • Sugna

    March 17, 2011

    Penis. That is all.

    Reply
  • Joey Michaels

    March 17, 2011

    Always the right answer.

    Reply
  • spacemonkey

    March 18, 2011

    As long as they keep this shit in their high and mighty rich people fawning over their children circle, and don’t try to buy their way into mainstream media, then I’m cool with it.

    It’s odd that in the entire launch video there was not ONE kid that can sing, even a little.

    Reply
  • Princeps

    March 18, 2011

    “13 year old girls gobble that up more than– “

    Girls are like multiplying numbers. If they’re under 13, you just do them in your head.

    Reply
  • Dink

    March 18, 2011

    Today I learned Princeps’ cutoff age is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay higher than mine.

    Reply
  • Richard

    March 18, 2011

    Give him time. Hey may come around.

    Reply
  • Memo Juez

    March 21, 2011

    D. Each other?

    Reply
  • Joey Michaels

    March 22, 2011

    WE HAVE A WINNER.

    Reply

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