After hearing my tribute to Nate Dogg yesterday a lot of people have been asking me if I have seriously considered a career as a pop star. Obviously I have, but I don’t know where to get started. It’s an intimidating industry to break into, with all of these younger and arguably almost as talented rising stars.
Take Rebecca Black and her hit song Friday for example. I mean yeah, I can hit all of those notes, but no matter how talented and charismatic you are there is a certain degree of luck, and cunning, that goes into creating a song that can reach a broad range of thirteen-year-old girls who have never heard music before. Writing is hard enough without having to make sure everything rhymes.
But wait, what is that you say? Rebecca Black didn’t write Friday herself? I for one am shocked and appalled, and also interested. Maybe I can have the same creative mastergeniuses pen a song for me.
Look no further than Ark Music Factory.
It takes some gusto to admit right in the name of your “record label” that you are a factory, implying the mass production of music from a mold filled with polyethylene, puberty, and for some reason the constant token feature of a forty-year-old black guy, but Ark is in this respect shameless. Ark is also shameless in every other respect, except for the respect that they might expect to be respected.
From what I can gather by glancing around briefly and making a bunch of sweeping assumptions, Ark Music Factory is a company founded by a couple of guys who don’t like music very much but who have been able to overcome what others may term a shortcoming and convert it directly into solid bricks of shit and gold. Basically, rich kids’ parents give Ark a bunch of money to make their children an album about whatever the fuck they did that day (chores, school, exploiting the dreams and innocence of children to have their parents print money for you) complete with a music video in which they must creepily smile for five solid minutes without breaking eye contact with the camera.
From the look of things in their launch video above, Ark Music Factory has a fantastic future ahead of it, as a source of entertainment for its own artists as they yawn or fix their hair while waiting for their turn to ROCK THE HOUSE!