First off, fuck those sissy little Mini Ritz crackers with whatever that foamy orange crap between them is supposed to be. I’m talking about sandwiches, as seen to the right –>

There are nine varieties of texture in that sandwich. Nine distinct crunches, flavors and experiences. Common folk will settle for lettuce, and even call it a “crunchy texture,” but these are the same people who masturbate to bangbus.com instead of simply renting a van and exploiting drug-addled, impoverished women themselves. You’re settling for less, and you know it.

Realistically, you only want one or two chips in your sandwich. You can keep it really simple. Honestly, all you have to do is lightly butter/mayo each piece of bread, and then shove a bunch of BBQ Pringles or some shit in there.

Try it. You’ll like it. You won’t be able to eat chips without wrapping them in bread ever again. You’ll also be dead very soon.

This should be standard, I think. This should be acceptable. If you pull out a sandwich and bite into it today, and it goes, “CRUNCH! RARRACRUNCHACRUNCHA! RARARRKLE!” People will look at you and think to themselves, Toast? No, not toast. What the hell is wrong with that man?

My question is, why? Why on earth are chip sandwiches not the right thing to do?

I’ve considered opening a chain of restaurants. They would be similar to Subway, but with a bunch of bread and chip combos to choose from. “I’d like a Doritos on Rye, please” You could add all of the lame toppings you wanted, though you really do want to keep a chip sandwich relatively simple. I think a lot of people would try it.

Even if the business failed, it would break the taboo of chip sandwiches. At least on my block. People would see me eating my chip sandwiches and say, “Once, they did that in a restaurant.” Suddenly, it would be okay.

I’d still be ridiculed, but it would be more like, “Haha! Your business failed and you have no future!” But at least my sandwiches would be crunchy.