Dear Hiring Manager,

I am very interested in becoming a worthless appliance owned by your company. I am looking for part-time work to supplement my income over the long term, and I have found that I excel in an office environment specifically because I hate myself so completely that I can no longer be broken.

I have had great past experiences in similarly degrading positions. I enjoy talking to people, I have been told I have a warm and pleasant voice on the phone, and I am very calm and patient by nature. I am not affected by the sometimes stressful scenarios that may come up when dealing with idiot motherfuckers asking me how to operate an electric toothbrush, or whatever dumb shit you backwater cunts think is supposed to be my problem today.

Thank you for your time, and your consideration. I have attached my resume, and I look forward to cancelling our interview.

Best regards,
Christoph Sushnyk