I’m trying to think of a smart-person word for goosh, or gooshing—liquid being displaced and forced out of a confined area by the introduction of an object.

Do you want to know why I’m thinking about that? I bet you do.

See, I was thinking about having sex with a sea cucumber. Actually, first I was thinking about having sex with a sea anemone, because it’s a visually more obvious approximation of a vagina, but I think they actually produce a toxic slime as a defense mechanism. Might be pleasurable for some of you, but it’s not what I was after as these thoughts came to me over breakfast.

Sea cucumbers, though, can turn themselves inside-out, right? If true, I might be able to sort of unfurl one and wrap it tightly around my penis, acting as a thick, juicy foreskin. The sea cucumber’s defense mechanism—far more pleasant than that of the anemone—is to coat itself in mucous, which I think would make a fine lubricant.

I considered, then, that the sea cucumber is the most versatile sex toy in the animal kingdom. Men can use it in the way I have described, and obviously women can just use it as a dildo. The two methods could even be performed in tandem, to make up for embarrassing shortcomings on the part of the male.

Okay, ladies, I’m not exactly sure how firm they are, but I’ve had bad nights and managed to get the job done, so I’m going to say it’s at least sort of possible.

As I thought about women using sea cucumber dildos, I considered that women already produce a lubricant of their own, which might, in conjunction with an onslaught of mucous from the sea cucumber, result in a vagina over-full and, you know, gooshing all over the place.

I just don’t want to say it all crass like that. Goosh.