Hank bin Laden

The 15-year-old American nephew of Osama bin Laden began his own attack on the free world Saturday afternoon when he hijacked a small, toy plane from his buddy Ted’s basement, in southwest Pinewood.

The toy plane soared through the air at five miles per hour, and though it was pursued by several inquisitive veterans from a nearby nursing home, no attempt was made to bring the plane down.

The toy plane hit the south window of a rec room at the Good Vibrations community center, causing dozens of dollars in damage and, to quote one witness, it “scared the bejesus” out of an elderly man.

Local authorities remain skeptical about the situation: “We can probably put in a new window,” said a man whose authority is local, “but the old guy is still a bit shaky.”

The old guy has been identified as Jason Kilviz, a retired gas station attendant with a history of becoming frightened by terrorists. Relatives say he has never before had a genuine reason for this fear, and yet once spent more than a week in his backyard bunker upon learning what Anthrax was.

Almost an hour after the drama in Pinewood began to unfold, another Hank bin Laden attack took place just down the street. Hank, evidently surviving the crash and running down the street, brandished either a small firecracker or a small cracker on fire while looking around with what has been described as “mischievous” eyes.

A neighborhood kid walked up to him and reportedly spat on the incendiary device, thwarting the second in this series of attacks and becoming, probably, the greatest living hero of his generation.

Hank fled the scene slowly, and the neighborhood kid was unable to give chase or subdue him because his knee hurt a bit as the result of an unrelated incident earlier in the day playing street hockey.

Hank’s whereabouts remain unknown, and authorities are urging citizens to come forward with any information. American troops have responded to the attacks by blowing up a playground said to be a favored hangout of Hank and his friends.

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