Maybe today is your great big day off. But what will you do with it? You can’t just watch the telly all day, because even Alex Trebek gets a little stale after a while. Ever since he lost the moustache things haven’t been the same. When was that, 2003?

And you can’t play video games by yourself for any extended period of time. Without a ladyperson by your side to feign interest in your hollow accomplishments, you just end up thinking about the existential dread inherent to virtual spaces and your little hero man runs haplessly against a wall for thirty minutes.

I know! We’ll drink the very last bottle of water. Em has a half-bottle in the fridge, anyway, so it’s no harm at all, but it still might feel like you’ve made a decision for yourself. Grab hold of your agency, man! Do it now!

No, this just tastes like water.

Freedom wouldn’t taste very good, anyway. Like chewing on a football filled with a congealed paste of Diet Coke and Doritos. My doctor would never recommend that, if I had a doctor.

But at least we’re keeping hydrated.