How to get popular on Twitter

While nobody is quite, exactly sure what the point of Twitter is just yet, the goal once there is generally to increase your number of followers.

There are several reasons that one might seek a Twitter following. Some people believe that they may, in the miraculous future, be paid to tweet. Many just want to be popular on something for once. Others are evolving into Spambots, shouting into the void about their MySpace blog updates.

Getting popular on Twitter is, at the very least, something to do at work while you’re not working. So I’ve done the research for you, and I think I’ve figured it out.

1. Become a Celebrity

By far the simplest way to increase your following on Twitter is to become famous outside of Twitter, and then tell your fans to follow you. This works particularly well if you’re a smarmy fuck like Ashton Kutcher.

2. Follow Yourself

If you can’t actually achieve a high degree of fame, you can always fake it by creating thousands of Twitter accounts with names like “i love X” or “X is a smarmy fuck” and simply following yourself.

3. Tweet Constantly

The more often you tweet, the more likely it is that you will be seen in searches. Twitter is very much a quantity-over-quality kind of place. Unfortunately, not many people search for random keystrokes, so you do need to pay enough attention to ensure that your tweets are coming out in a language readable by humans, but beyond that anything goes.

4. Submit Only Interesting Tweets

Hahahaha, just kidding! Nobody is going to notice how clever you are on Twitter. Sorry. Worry not, I’ve got several more tips. Very serious and very helpful tips.

5. Travel back in time and create Twitter

Seriously though, if you figured out the first part (the whole time travel thing) this would be a great tip, and I’m not ruling out that a reader of my blog is on the verge of such a technological breakthrough. You guys post some interesting comments.

6. Put words like “Consultant” and “Innovator” in your description

I have no idea how or why this works, only that there are countless such people and it appears to be working for them. They spend most of their time linking to stories about Twitter, so maybe that helps, too. Maybe Twitter is all about Twitter.

Most of these guys are just spambots, buuut…

7. Follow Spambots

The nice thing about Spambots is that they will pretty much follow anybody. Seek them out, follow them, and they will automatically follow you back. Spam is incredibly friendly, and good for a late night chat if you’re lonely.

8. Fuck it, just follow everybody

Why not take it to the next logical step? Once you realize that you really don’t care about what other people are saying on Twitter, you can give up on actually reading their shit and follow as many people as possible.

They’ll follow you back, because they don’t intend to read your tweets, either.

9. Write about Twitter on your website

You can follow me @fancydink

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