We all get a little bit lonely sometimes. Recent studies suggest that losers on the Internet are particularly prone to loneliness and sexual depravity. When these urges begin to manifest in the real world, you’ll need a game plan before things get out of control.

The problem with the nerdy white male is not that he doesn’t know how to find girls, because girls are just another type of person and they can be found almost anywhere. The trouble for most sexual predators is convincing girls to take their shirts off.

Having recently cornered a woman into loving me, I think it is time to present the lessons I have learned, of which there are five.

Lesson the First: Your Appearance

First of all, what’s wrong with you? This is not a rhetorical question designed to make you think; it’s really important that we pinpoint and eradicate your many flaws before we head off into the world. First, consider a shave and a haircut, and put on some pants. Beyond basics like that, it’s really a matter of what kind of girl you’re trying to pick up, and where.

The most important thing about your appearance is that you stand out from other hopeless sacks of shit and attract attention in some way. With this in mind, I firmly believe that you should always be shinier than the guy next to you. Wear reflective materials like a rhinestone jacket or a charming disco-ball hat. Spray glitter in your hair and all over your chest, and flaunt it with an open collar. Add to the effect by filling your pockets with glitter and periodically tossing a handful into the air above you. You can really never be too shiny.

If you have to, just bring a mirror with you and hold it up to girls as they walk past. They will inevitably stop and admire themselves, at which point you may quickly remove the mirror and you will have successfully tricked them into smiling at you.

Your hairstyle should be approximately 25% representative of who you are, 25% assimilated to your operating environment, and 50% eye-catching. As I am an office monkey and sweat easily, my representative quarter calls for short hair, and because I work my magic on coffee shop girls, my second quarter should be hip enough to let me pass as a musician. Using this formula, it is decided that my hair should be spiked with bleached tips, and to further attract the eye I will leave one absurdly long strip of hair that can be tucked into my shirt at work, and swung around in a circle while I make siren noises on the prowl. Wee-ooo, wee-ooo!

Accessories are a factor that far too many men ignore. Once you have the attention of a girl, you need something to keep her interested, and that’s all in the details. Wear jewelry that simply begs women to ask questions, like, “Why do you have a giant hamster on your necklace?”

Consider getting a tattoo with Chinese characters so that you can show it to girls when you know enough about them to make up a suitable meaning for it. I’ve also seen a lot of men lately who wear lipstick to make their lips shimmer with a kissable glow, and I believe this is the wave of the future.

If all else fails, just try to remember that girls don’t care so much about you as they do themselves. Wear things that compliment her look and outfit, and sprinkle the glitter her way every once in a while. The more beautiful she feels, the more likely she is to get naked if you ever work up the courage to actually make a fucking move.

Lesson the Second: The Approach

”Hey… hey there, my name’s Christoph and uh… well I was, heh, I was over there by the entrance actually, and I saw you… well you look… you look really nice, tonight, so I… I just wanted to say hello… so, hey…”

That approach will not work unless she’s drunk and thinks you’re cute in a stupid way. Girls don’t like nice guys, and they don’t appreciate your awkwardness, at first. You have to say something you think is ridiculously stupid, and probably a little offensive, to make sure you aren’t quickly categorized as that sweet, harmless guy…

Pickup lines are utter shit, but they show her that you’ve done this before, and that you’re capable of picking up more attractive girls. By making women think of you having sex with someone more attractive, their jealousy matrices will overtake their person and force them to claim you as their own. This is the only way any man has ever found love.

In the end, it’s a matter of persistence. Give them a line like, do you taste as good as you look? If they don’t find it humorous, double down. I meant on the inside. Now you’re really asserting yourself, and she’s starting to notice the cloud of glitter surrounding you. No matter what, just keep pushing until she gives in, because every girl does have a breaking point.

Consider using this script:

girl = room.firstGirl();
  if (girl.hasBoy()){
    girl = room.nextGirl();
  }
  else{
    you.sayHello(girl);
    while (girl.interested()){
      you.compliment(girl);
      if (girl.like(you){
        you.infatuated = true;
        you.ask(girl.phoneNumber());
      }
      if (girl.reject(you){
        you.loser = true;
        girl = room.nextGirl();
      }
    }
  }

Lesson the Third: Courtship

Once you’ve got a girl and she wants to talk to you, your first instinct will be to panic. Don’t fret, Jimmy-Jimmy, you’ll have plenty to say if you just let her tell you exactly what.

Start with some small talk. Does she live nearby? Does she like the song playing on the radio? Does she have any pets? She likes this very much because she gets to talk about herself, and as a bonus this also stops her from thinking too much about you. Try to maintain the attitude that you can do better than her, your questions will come across as a screening process, and in no time at all she will find herself trying to prove that she is worthy of you.

What if she utters the dreaded words: I have a boyfriend. Do you panic? You fool, you never panic! She may have a boyfriend, she may not. If she does she might not be as committed as she thinks, and if she doesn’t then she’s probably just testing you. Ask her to marry you, immediately. If she does have a boyfriend, your only option right now is to cut him off at the pass, so to speak, with a surprise proposal that the other customers in line at the 7-Eleven will never forget.

Assuming everything has gone well, all you have to do to seal the deal is get her into your mother’s basement. If she won’t come home you tonight, get her phone number and call her as soon as you’re home just to “check in.” Whenever you’re not talking, breathe heavily in the background to create a seductive atmosphere. Sooner or later you’ll get her to come over.

Lesson the Fourth: The Actual Sex

panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic

Okay now, calm down, I’m sure we can get through this. Basically you know how it’s done. You’ve seen all the videos. However, because you were dumb enough to play Mr. Confident at the bar three nights ago she now expects you to make all of the moves. The first thing you need to know is that things that may seem perfectly acceptable on the Internet are not always okay with a real girl. Specifically things you’ve seen done by the Japanese.

For research, because it has been a while since I’ve convinced a girl other than Kim to sleep with me, I’ve just had sex with a girl who lives in my apartment building. Actually, it’s worth noting that you can basically disregard everything before this paragraph because evidently you can get a girl to have sex with you just by telling them you’re doing research for an article. Who knew?

Right, so first of all, don’t talk. Seriously, no talking. Not even your best Buffy quotes are applicable right now. You start off kissing her face and neck, and you get to touch her boobs like right away which is awesome. Then you kiss more and, really, there is a lot of kissing. Way more than I would have thought. You spend more time kissing her face than doing any of the stuff you really want to do, but it’s worth it because so long as your lips are touching the rest of her body enters a state of paralysis and you can move your hands about pretty freely.

Before you know it you’re having sex. The biggest problem is finding the hole, and the second biggest problem is keeping your erection while you’re worrying about finding the hole. Once you get going, FOCUS, GODDAMNIT or you’ll slip out and have to start again. Eventually she will throw you off the bed, get dressed, and go to the bathroom for a while. You can have a ham sandwich while she’s in there.

In Closing

Never forget the reason for all of this. Girls are amazing animals. Are they soft? Yes. Do they smell nice? For the most part, yes. Mostly though, girls are happy when they make you happy. Girls are warm and comforting, and when you make them feel good, you’ll feel good about yourself. It’s a pretty neat relationship, like a symbiosis, and you might actually find that some girls will be glad they met you.