Journal: Nearly Certain Death

This update may never have been written if not for the brave actions of an unknown tree surgeon. Though I may never have the chance to express it to this angel on earth, I sincerely thank him for saving my life twice in one night.

It all started at about 10:00pm last Friday as I sat in my worn-down, but stylish springy-chair watching a Canadian television program about two guys insulting white people for trying to dance. I became bored, and picked up my guitar intent on writing yet another song about lame TV, when I noticed that a storm was brewing on the horizon.

Immediately, I switched to my 1.5-mm pick and began what would surely become the anthem for all things thunder and lightning the world around. It went something like this:

Oh lightning you so bright
Lightning Lightning Lightning
You put the Ning in Light
Lightning I must wonder
Why must you make thunder
‘Cause it’s really annoying
When I’m really enjoying
Writing songs about
Oh yeah TV shows

Sadly, it had to end there. My heart pounded, my feet did tap, and the sound of an exploding power line drowned out the snapping of my sixth string. I stood in shock, my eyes darting between the sizzling pole outside of my window and the bouncing string embedded in my forehead. Did I do that? I wondered, amazed once more by the power of music.

My arrogance was put temporarily to rest when the pole surged a second time, and the city went dark as far as I could see.

I made my way outside and discovered that the blackout had consumed the majority of downtown New Westminster. “Curse you, lightning,” I shouted into the heavens, “I will not forget this day!” This is when I noticed the large branch leaning on the power lines, and the strong, invisible force throwing me to the ground. Yes, the wind was my enemy, not lightning. I offered my apologies and headed closer to the scene to investigate the age-old question of exactly why it is that trees falling on cables make my fridge stop working, but not my phone.

“Hey, uhm, would you like to step back a minute?” said my lord and savior. I obliged, for no reason other than my need to blindly follow commands. As I stood in the middle of the freeway waiting to be told what to do next, a bigass ball of electric danger exploded from the pole a third time. Had I been climbing it to see where my phone plugs in, I would have surely been killed, or at the very least, quite surprised.

“Thanks,” I assume I said. The guy just smiled and went to work on cutting more branches off of the tree. I stepped up to his ladder to ask why he was cutting more branches off of the tree, but as I approached he told me that I should probably still not stand there for a little while. I went back to my apartment and ate as much as I could to make sure nothing would go to waste if the power never came back.

Then the power came back. Not right at that moment, but it was on by the time I awoke in a pool of vomit and cranberry sauce. I looked out my window to check on the naughty tree, and, my god, there were branches everywhere – Including the very spot I had been standing near many hours ago!

So my life was spared, and this ends the story of how I almost died two times, or more times, that one time.

Irreversible Mistakes