THE FUCK ARE YOU EATING?

About a year and a half ago my girlfriend made the ridiculous and terrible decision that she and I would become WoW nerds. This is the sort of proclamation that she lives to make, if only to bask in her own ludicrousness. I wasn’t exactly sure that I wanted to go along with it, but by the time she told me she had already paid for two accounts and linked them to friends of ours so they could get stupid zebra mounts.

A year later I had my own stupid zebra mount, and 5,000 hard-earned achievement points with which one can buy absolutely nothing but which prove that one plays too much World of Warcraft. However, in spite of my great many successes I have never been what the mouth-breathing masses have termed a Hardcore player. As much as I play, which is far too much, I am considered by the community to be a casual player and am forced to field questions about why I’m not online more.

Yesterday the latest expansion was released, Cataclysm, and I vowed to be a hardcore player and experience this event in its full glory. I bought a super-size bag of Doritos and a 12 pack of Mountain Dew, and set myself up for the midnight launch to be among the first out of the gates. I declared that I would play for 24 hours straight, or until I reached level 85, whichever came first.

I played for five grueling hours, lowering my standards at a steady beat, as a microcosm for my entire life, until I gave up and passed out after gaining just one level — a little shy of my goal of five.

I was not, though, defeated! Oh no, I woke up after a short sleep and jumped right back into the game, well rested and prepared to contend with the literally hundreds of players piled on top of the questgivers (I made a macro for that!) I pressed on for another five hours straight, took a short break for dinner, and played another three. I found myself at level 82 and a half, and was pretty pleased with myself at this point.

Then I looked at my guild, and noticed that the average was 84 and we had a couple capped at level 85 already. Considering that in the span of less than 24 hours I have spent around 13 playing this motherfucking game in a dedicated and efficient manner, the fact that I still fall well below the average is a shining endorsement for neither Doritos nor Mountain Dew.

And so I ask, THE FUCK ARE YOU EATING?

14 Comments

  • spacemonkey

    December 8, 2010

    I ate some of your Doritos. Maybe I stole your power. I only played like… 4 hours, and I’m halfway to 81. (woo~)

    Reply
  • Richard

    December 8, 2010

    I laughed at the nerd lined up outside of Best Buy on Monday evening waiting for 12:01 launch (except I didn’t laugh at the asian elf girl.. hothothothothohtohthothhtohot). Then I cried on the inside because I knew that I was jealous of their nerd-dom. Sometimes I miss that life. 😐
    And I did it without your mutha-f***n’ Doritos and Mountain dew!

    Reply
  • Joey Michaels

    December 8, 2010

    When I play WoW, I’m all about Peanut Butter and Honey sandwiches on wheat bread.

    I don’t know why, but that always makes me think of riding across The Barrens killing those annoying Ostrich like murdering beasts.

    Reply
  • Dink

    December 8, 2010

    Laugh it up, Richard. While you’re leading your fulfilling life I’ll by RIDING A DRAGON MADE OF DIAMONDS.

    I’ll try peanut butter and honey tonight. I thought the Doritos + Mountain Dew combo was the ultimate gamer cliche power food, but I’m willing to try things that won’t kill me as quickly.

    Reply
  • Memo Juez

    December 8, 2010

    When I play WoW, I eat…

    … oh wait …

    I don’t play WoW; rather I play Guitar!!

    Soooo, when I play Guitar, I imbibe copious amounts of adult beverages and make fun of …

    I used to drink Mountain Dew & Hot Coffee and consume lots of EBA Pizza use to fuel my brain when I went on a coding Spree, but I am a reformed programmer much like Richard is reformed WoW-fag. (That’s a nickname my daughter gives to all her male friends when they rather play WoW with other males than chase scantily clad available females around IRL.)

    I feel a ballad coming on, an ode to reformation, perhaps.

    Reply
  • Richard

    December 8, 2010

    Can’t be a WoW-fat if I’ve never played WoW! HA!! Doesn’t mean I can’t be somewhat envious though.

    Reply
  • Dink

    December 8, 2010

    I’MMA NEVA GROWS UP

    Reply
  • spacemonkey

    December 9, 2010

    When you say “Hot Coffee”, do you mean coffee that is hot, or some sort of magical beverage that I am not aware of?

    Also, your daughter sounds like a jerk.

    Reply
  • Memo Juez

    December 9, 2010

    Nothing magical, just fresh ground French Roast.

    Tanoliko can be a smart ass at times…

    Reply
  • Joey Michaels

    December 9, 2010

    Actually, technically, his daughter sounds like a wittier-than-usual American teenager.

    You’re going to have to trust me on this one.

    Reply
  • spacemonkey

    December 10, 2010

    And I do.

    Oh, America. You just keep getting more embarrassing.

    Reply
  • Memo Juez

    December 10, 2010

    America does her best…

    For her next trick, she’ll invade North Korea to stop the wanton nuclear proliferation of the axis of evil. As an added bonus, she’ll set up bases putting her rapid striking distance of Beijing should her #1 creditor call in the notes AND her friends in Seoul can maintain a plausible deniability of involvement!!

    BTW – I am running a special on custom, handmade tinfoil hats, handcrafted by yours truly.

    Reply
  • Dink

    December 11, 2010

    I’d like to buy several.

    Of your daughters, I mean.

    Reply
  • Memo Juez

    December 17, 2010

    My first instinct was tell you that you couldn’t handle her… then I thought that I really don’t know what you can handle…

    So after much thought, I’ll trade her for your girlfriend πŸ™‚ Of course the rub is we have to convince SpaceMonkey and my wife that this is a good transaction.

    Reply

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