About a year and a half ago my girlfriend made the ridiculous and terrible decision that she and I would become WoW nerds. This is the sort of proclamation that she lives to make, if only to bask in her own ludicrousness. I wasn’t exactly sure that I wanted to go along with it, but by the time she told me she had already paid for two accounts and linked them to friends of ours so they could get stupid zebra mounts.
A year later I had my own stupid zebra mount, and 5,000 hard-earned achievement points with which one can buy absolutely nothing but which prove that one plays too much World of Warcraft. However, in spite of my great many successes I have never been what the mouth-breathing masses have termed a Hardcore player. As much as I play, which is far too much, I am considered by the community to be a casual player and am forced to field questions about why I’m not online more.
Yesterday the latest expansion was released, Cataclysm, and I vowed to be a hardcore player and experience this event in its full glory. I bought a super-size bag of Doritos and a 12 pack of Mountain Dew, and set myself up for the midnight launch to be among the first out of the gates. I declared that I would play for 24 hours straight, or until I reached level 85, whichever came first.
I played for five grueling hours, lowering my standards at a steady beat, as a microcosm for my entire life, until I gave up and passed out after gaining just one level — a little shy of my goal of five.
I was not, though, defeated! Oh no, I woke up after a short sleep and jumped right back into the game, well rested and prepared to contend with the literally hundreds of players piled on top of the questgivers (I made a macro for that!) I pressed on for another five hours straight, took a short break for dinner, and played another three. I found myself at level 82 and a half, and was pretty pleased with myself at this point.
Then I looked at my guild, and noticed that the average was 84 and we had a couple capped at level 85 already. Considering that in the span of less than 24 hours I have spent around 13 playing this motherfucking game in a dedicated and efficient manner, the fact that I still fall well below the average is a shining endorsement for neither Doritos nor Mountain Dew.
And so I ask, THE FUCK ARE YOU EATING?