I know a thing or two about the topic, and this is one crazy badass sandwich. I’ve never enjoyed such a rich and varied flood of overwhelming, yet harmonious flavors. Not in a sandwich, and not in anything else. The first thing I did when I began to chew that first bite was call my cat into the room, because I wanted another soul to bear witness to this.

The only complaint I could have against this sandwich is that I have absolutely no idea what it is. The bread has dark brown swirls in it, and there is some kind of a spread or sauce involved that I don’t think I’ve been introduced to before. The meat is quite spicy — too spicy to be any garden-variety salami or pepperoni. I think a good part of what attracts me to this sandwich is the mystery which surrounds it.

Not only are the ingredients unknown, I also I can’t say where it came from. I simply found it sitting in my refrigerator. It was probably not for me, since I have a girlfriend who also, presumably, likes sandwiches. I thought she wouldn’t mind me eating it though, since it’s just a sandwich, but now that I’ve tasted it I’m pretty sure I’m going to be in some trouble. I would ask her what kind of sandwich it was, but I doubt she will answer me. She’ll be too busy punching me in the face and crying. If you haven’t seen a girl do those two things simultaneously before, I’ll tell you that it isn’t a very enjoyable experience.

Dare I say, this sandwich is totally worth it.

The worst case scenario is that I will be beaten nearly to death by my sobbing lover. Admittedly, that’s a pretty bad scenario. However, if this should happen I will at least get an answer to my questions regarding the nature of the sandwich when she takes to the stand in court. As soon as that happens I will, of course, drop the charges, because I can absolutely understand the way she feels about this sandwich.

I guess I could also be beaten all the way to the dead kind of death, but even then I can take some solace in knowing that I’ve died with little bits of the sandwich still stuck in my teeth.

In fact, I’m gonna grab a toothpick and see if I can scrounge up one last bite.